Quite a few people have commented they find it in various ways fascinating, in their opinion, my ability to continually plow forward and shed layer after layer and penetrate deeper and deeper within the realities of myself. No matter how deep I may appear to go, there are always more and more layers. The most recent comment: “Through all of this I am continually amazed that you are/have been able to peel away so many false memories. It gives the rest of pause as to how deeply programmed we all are.”
Today is a hard day for me, between heavy pain and core wrenching moods that have risen dramatically again over the last month or so as my body continually finds old unaddressed or remaining layers of damage coupled with the continual ebb and flow of cptsd issues. It is what it is and I certainly do not write this for your attention or pity. I point this out simply as an example for this short article.
I am writing first as a small distraction from how I am feeling as well as to push myself to focus on point, because during these episodes my mind shatters a bit, typical I am told with cpstd accompanied by high levels of physical pain from other physical issues or complications. Again, it is what it is but this is why I write this and how I write it.
To me there is nothing fascinating about what I do or how I do it. I dig deeper and deeper, always working through layers and layers and dealing with as much as I am able at any given time. However, I do it because I must. It sure is not some ego driven thing. The continual pursuit is a survival mechanism for me. I would love to never have to constantly dig and weed through, peel away and uncover my past. I would like it to die away and be gone, but that is not possible. The old trauma is tidal in its movement. Sometimes I go for long spells with nothing apparently dragging on me and life seems peachy, no subconscious haunting. Even so there are seemingly inevitable times where the ancient trauma rises like a violent high tide of a hurricane. There is no real choice during those times. You face it head on for as long as necessary with everything you have or you drown. There is no secret to it. You fight or you give up. Days, weeks, months; however long, however far.
Through it all I have noticed many patterns which can somewhat help to predict potential rises. I may be feeling pretty good at the end of summer. If we get a very quick and hard early autumn that brings extreme dampness, wind and steals the vitality giving uv rays of grandfather sun for weeks, it will hit the health of my spleen. Since my spleen has never fully recovered from poison 11 years ago, it is susceptible to many forces, extreme weather changes are certainly one. After a while the spleen struggles give rise to liver struggles and then lung struggles and soon the whole body is suffering. This in-turn can, and usually does, trigger cptsd symptoms which in-turn exasperates already present physical symptoms. The maelstrom whirls and the tide rises and the only thing to do is work to survive until it all passes.
One major thing that I have noticed without a doubt being a catalyst to my ability to face the storm, no matter how hard, and dig and peel and discover and shed and move on is knowing my limits. I find most people, definitely not all, but most people I meet are unaware of their true limitations because they have never been fully tested. Is this a “bad” thing? I do not judge it. Many people may not have a life in which require them to understand their limits. Unless then it would become a hobby or something, why would they feel the need to discover them?
To me in my life knowing and understanding my limits has kept me alive and allows me to continue. Parts of me wish that nobody is required to find the length of their limits as life has directed me to. Other parts of me think it important for people to come to a place of that understanding. There is a fine line between my thinking one way and the other because both are relevant.
For me having been tested and pushed and forced to my perceived limits and then pushed further to help me discover they were not in fact my limits, but my true limits existed even further, was an integral aspect of my life path and my very survival. It was a necessary set of experiences to help me find myself and give me what it takes to continually drive through the storm to shed and discover more and more. Without knowing these limits I could have all too easily crumbled time and time again in the extremes of my life path.
Students in my Survival Combat classes comment how nothing stops me and no matter what my body is enduring I will proceed until the actions are finished one way or another. The only reason for this is because I understand my physical, emotional and mental limits. I understand because they have all been pressed to the breaking point upon which I knew I would die, but instead I did not and found myself able to go further and further, each time reaching the point I thought would be the end. Over time I discovered the limits, the actual limits and even though that is a brutal process it gave me high levels of confidence and does help support as a solid foundation beneath all that I continue to do. Without me knowing these limits I may have given up on many, things that because I continued to navigate, proved to be worthy experiences that helped transform me and move me onward. They have all given me perspectives on this world and life that drive me and assist me to see through things to wider understandings from within. The pain, the trauma, though extreme and plaguing on one hand has been access points to these more complex visions and power foundations.
Of course it is important to keep in mind that the more we change on a personal level the more our limitation levels also change. The further we delve and develop the further our mental and emotional limits stretch, but as we age it becomes inevitable that our physical limitations decrease. A truly difficult part of that process is the acknowledgment, acceptance and monitoring of those percentage variables to be able to work with them successfully.
Even with that stated I am in no way more special or better than anyone else in this world. This is merely a path I have walked and what has made me what I am, nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps this will help some people better understand how I do what I do and why.