Why bother delving deep into the ugly pain of trauma buried down inside to work on healing? If you can somewhat function in a socially “normal and acceptable” way, then why put yourself through the long tedious gut wrenching process of trauma healing for potentially years and maybe decades of your life?
This is a question I have heard people ask through the years and I have asked it myself on numerous occasions. For some it may seem like a pointless question, but in my observations people who have the luxury to feel such a question pointless do not carry the level of suffering that would require such intensity to heal from. I decided to type this out after revising an older article called Orgasm Types & Trauma. I think they fit well in certain aspects.
I suppose it is rather like trying to explain to someone how often someone can feel pure rage and how much it can consume parts of life within. Many people feel rage once in a while, but far fewer live with rage on a regular basis. Remember, rage is not anger, they are very different and worlds apart. Though they both come from fear, rage comes from many experiences of extreme pain and suffering of which fear was a part. Anger can be dealt with successfully many different ways. It can be harnessed and even funneled into very creative outlets. Rage cannot. Rage can only be expressed/vented through destruction. Anything else just disperses it in the body, but then it never decreases, never goes away and will remain and come out just as strong or stronger next time. Even the old healing texts of traditional China and Japan state the differences between rage and anger and how they must be expressed to release the body and mind.
Addressing trauma healing is similar in that how it is worked and expressed is different than many other kinds of healing. I have found many people without a deep level of trauma locked inside them find it difficult to understand why someone would want to put themselves through all that crap again to “heal” it. Those same people also seem to find it difficult to fathom why anyone would drag themselves through all that past garbage rather than just letting it go or ignoring it and moving on. Just like someone familiar with anger may not understand why someone with rage issues cannot just funnel it creatively like anger.
Like a couple of my health care practitioners are fond of telling me, “Better out than in!” Rage kept inside destroys the body because the very essence of rage is destructive. Once manifested in energy, it must express itself and the only path of rage is destruction. Therefore if held inside and not vented (in a safe manner such as breaking wood or glass or whatever), it will destroy the inner integrity of the body.
Trauma, deep and complex trauma is much like poison and must be worked out of the body or it will literally poison and destroy the body from the inside out. However, addressing deep and complex trauma is a tricky business and is never painless and easy to heal. It takes time, great patience on the part of health care practitioners and the client, genuine trust, honesty, extreme willpower/dedication and the fortitude, trust and willingness to go and do what and where the body requires in order to genuinely heal.
In my own experience along the lengthy and difficult path of trauma healing I have found plenty of pitfalls as well as diversions and other distractions from within and externally. The struggle and misery of this level of healing forces one to question many times over whether it is worth it to continue delving, digging and routing out the trauma, or just learn to ignore it as best as one can.
That question of course always brings me to other questions equally as important and more weight bearing and dynamic than the first.
- How does my pain and trauma locked inside me affect my daily life?
- How does my pain and trauma affect my life in the long run?
- How does it affect my closest family, my wife and son?
- How does it affect my closest, my most genuine friends?
- How does it affect what I create in this world?
- Can I cover it up, distract myself from it and move on?
The answers to those questions answer my question of whether it is worth continuing to delve and dig and work to unearth and heal the complex trauma.
The truth is that even if the trauma locked within is not presently venting or seemingly expressing itself through my mood and actions, it IS affecting everything in my life. Just because you might live in the center of a continent and cannot see, hear or smell the ocean does not mean the ocean is not affecting your life because it is. Trauma locked within it much the same.
The locked trauma is just like poison. It slowly eats away the integrity of mind and body over time. It is degrading in way like nothing else. It haunts a person even if they are blind and deaf to the trauma through continual acts of distraction. As the saying goes, “No pill or action can save you from yourself.” There is the answer to the first two questions listed above.
Any trauma someone caries inside them inevitably affects the relationships they build. The trauma is pain and pain bleeds into everything. The closer you are to someone the more they will be affected by the pain you carry. Even if they learn how to block the pain from entering them, it still affects their life. Ask any healthcare worker worth their weight if the suffering they witness in their clients affects their live and perspectives on the world. Even if they have created ways to keep it at a distance so they can live “normal” lives, it still affects them and how they relate to the world. There is the answer to the third and forth question above.
As to the fifth question, well obviously what we create in this world comes from everything we are. If deep levels of trauma are locked inside us then their energy, whether direct or indirect will affect what we create on various levels. It’s always difficult to say just how much and, where, when and to what end, but we can be sure that it will affect creative acts in some way, rather like asking yourself if having the flu will create everything you do for a span of two weeks.
The last question is, can I cover it up, distract myself from it and move on? Believe me; I have tried many times over with poor to null success. I suppose that would just be too easy and too good to be possible! It is where distraction comes into play and of course denial. I tried for years to just address it through mental avenues; talk therapy, writing and other forms of verbal expression. When that would seemingly go nowhere at a snail’s pace I would get beyond frustrated and question what the heck the purpose was. I would mentally and emotionally drag through it all and nothing ever seemed to get better or even progress. I found myself running in loops back to the start of the same darn questions and issues.
Now of course I was making progress but it was so subtle and slow I hardly noticed. I was gaining new insights and perspectives, new mental and emotional coping tools and things that assisted me in regaining a neutral ground. The problem was that I was not seeing physical results. My body continued to degrade and physical issues would simply get more complex and intense. This limited my ability to successfully interact with the world and all the activities I was built to physical do. Those limits in-turn placed huge amounts of stress on my mind and emotional states which degraded my belief in any progress I had made. In time anger, frustration and then rage would set in and I would ditch the therapy and other mental/emotional healing protocols and work on avenues of distraction.
The mental/emotional healing pathways were toilsome and painful enough, but to have the body continually degrade was sort of like adding injury to insult. However, after weeks or months of distracting myself I would end up falling out of the distraction loop and end up going back to the mental/emotional healing work only to eventually hit the same wall and distract to avoid once again. This pattern went on for years until I figured out the missing link – the Body.
Throughout the years I did go from one modality of health care to the next and on and on. Very few seemed to make a dent in my health issues and those that did rarely lasted. I could not find anyone I fully trusted and I had plenty who were frauds or just plain did not care about their clients or how so many emotional issues themselves that anything outside their narrow comfort zone did not exist. Talk about denial! I still cannot fathom how someone can call themselves a health care practitioner when they themselves have so many issues it dramatically interferes with their ability to genuinely help their more complex case clients. But it is what it is. Nevertheless, those kinds of health care experiences really turned me off to those bodywork modalities and even with them my body still degraded just adding to anger, frustration and rage.
The loop of hope and frustration continued on, and over a handful of year’s true hope of ever having a chance to truly heal dwindled to almost nothing. That is until 3 things occurred at the start of this year.
- I started finding and tapping into deeper and more powerful levels of my genetics
- In a dream and then again after a purification and meditation I saw a combination of 3 plants and birds that led me to new insights on my healing path
- I reconnected to an aspect of myself that I tried to suppress for years
That may not seem like much, but when broken down into all the potent details in each, it was a very powerful set of events that opened up new pathways not before available to me. With renewed confidence I moved forward to explore each potential and to my surprise and elation I started finding missing pieces to my healing path that directly concerned physical healing. Hope was rekindled. From those three events and three pieces I connected to three people whom have started helping me in very deeply potent ways that nobody before has been able to access. Again to the outside reader this may all seem rather flat, but the potency of life is unique to each individual and so are the doors and windows that continually open and close around us all. These events and what they have brought into my life is anything but flat.
The sets of events and what they opened are equivalent to three sets of threes, which is aid to be the primal universal pattern of matter and the set process of the universe, nature and conscious life forms that all combine to create a physical completeness. Three sets of threes is the manifestation pattern out of non-physical energy (invisible) and manifested form returning to a state of non-physical energy, Cosmic Law. It corresponds to the three levels of life; mind body and spirit each within the other and the balance ratio of fire, ice and neutral between expressed through each the mind, body and spirit.
Three events to three people, each with unique energy expressions of healing that tap the three levels of my life’s essence. Three sets of three to start a year numbering ten which starts the winding down of my 44th year, ten years after being poisoned and the loop has come full circle with new insights to end the old with, the 9 (three sets of three), and begin a new – 10. No wonder my attitude has shifted.
So does that mean my healing has gotten less painful – no, it has gotten more so. Has my healing gotten less traumatic – no, it has gotten more so. Has my healing gotten less invasive, smoother, less intense or easier in anyway – no, it has gotten more so in every category. It is actually quite exhausting. How is that possible and how can I think this is a positive thing? Simply put, the intensity has increased on all levels because we are getting deeper into the trauma and areas requiring healing than ever before. We are delving closer to core issues rather than surface ones, which mean things get more intense before getting easier. It is rather a conundrum. You might expect the more you do something the easier it would become, but not so with healing. It always gets seriously more difficult and challenging the deeper you go, but the continued strength comes from resolving the issues closer to the surface.
Sometimes after a big session I will feel so exhausted I will just go home a sleep. Then I will have these huge bouts of release, physical, emotional and mental where things will just pour out, sometimes for days. None of it is pleasant and many times it is quite painful, but afterward I feel more relaxed and even elated on certain levels than before and I understand the work being done is essential to the path. Before you can pick and eat the fruit you first need to invest the time and energy into clearing the muck and nurturing the seeds.
Is it worth the pain and strife to continually embrace and plug away at healing deep and complex trauma – for me, yes, but everyone is different and so each must answer that for themselves. Just like in my article titled, Orgasm Types & Trauma, each layer has meaning as do every action and reaction within the healing context and it’s important to learn the differences.