Shadows of the Fear of Death

December 14th, 2015 by

Our subconscious holds things that many times our consciousness has a hard time seeing. These things are there, they exist in our daily lives, in our habits and actions, reactions and motivations. They are as much responsible for the creation of our path as are the conscious details we are more closely, if not more surfacely, aware of. Together they create an energetic creation package that writes the path we walk. This path is written by these energies because those energies dictate how we live, how we think, how we feel, what we chose to believe, our morals and values, pretty much everything. If we are unaware we are only partly in conscious control of these creations and personal agreements.

Remember the article I wrote earlier on a Handful of Fear? 5 main fears of which all other fears are children of. One of those core 5 is of course the fear of death. But what is the fear of death? What of “death” do most people fear? I think there are a few, mainly.

  1. Conditioned fear of punishment or judgment after life
  2. Fear of waking up in a life worse than the one a person has been living
  3. Fear of no longer existing ~ the annihilation of self

You see the first two are still based upon the idea of self. After all, to be judged or punished after death you need to still be consciously you. Otherwise what or who is there to punish or judge? So the first two fears of death I see as sub-fears to the main fear of death, the fear of no longer existing, the annihilation of self. We as humans believe in self, a conscious self, an identification with self. Most people are trapped by this and so end up with the fear of no longer “being”. So if this is the case, what is death then? Is death only the ceasing of the body of flesh functioning in this physical world? No it is not. It is more.

It was brought to my attention a while back in counseling that I might have a fear of death. I scoffed at this. When asked why I found it so absurd I answered in a matter of fact attitude. My answer was this. In my past there have been many times under torture that I wished for death, I welcomed it. When I was strapped and helpless to endure electrocution and seemingly endless beatings I prayed for death when the fight was drained out of me. There were times after when my life was so dark I also prayed that I would encounter someone in a fight who would be able to take my life. I did not fear death. I was poisoned and died only to be resuscitated. I lived taking life. Death was very familiar to me and I did not fear it.

The session ended and the topic was left to settle. Months later it was brought up again and it was predicted that I would rebel against the idea. But I was in a different frame of mind to listen openly and explore more deeply, rather than throw out defense. What came forward was a sort of awakening to something in a shadow I had not seen. The fear of death, but not a physical body death, rather a living death.

It was pointed out as a focus suggestion to look at my past as opposed to my present. I saw the main difference, beyond the violence, that I was truly alive today and progressively working to create my life from my own will. In my past I worked for an agency that controlled me, their energy and wishes, desires and commands lived through me. I did not have much in the way of a perception of self. I had one prior to the agency, but once in the agency that was broken down and replaced. I began to live as death and in death. It became my breathing existence and as far as “self” goes, I was not truly living. I saw this and it made me stop and move back a bit with my eyes open wide in astonishment that I did not see this simple and clear angle before.

I was shown in that session that I have known both what it feels like to be alive and conscious as well as (in my past) unliving, not in control of my life or who I was, not even my consciousness, being controlled and manipulated at every turn by the agency and cults, pure lack of self identity… living death. The memories of that time perhaps induce a fear of sliding or returning to that state, a state of “death” of myself as I have come to know me today. Things that trigger those kinds of memories are also obviously connected to the pattern. It is a fear that could partly be based in the knowing that even though I have come so far in healing, I am still not fully in control of my emotions and mind and triggers of various kinds and intensities can still throw be backward into that state of unliving. There are still so many areas of the unknown as to my self control/self identity.

In my past I existed in that state of unliving. Today, because I have done so much work, I fluctuate between the living and the unliving. When a trigger throws me back into memory I enter the unliving and this process can support the fear, the fear of death.

Part of my healing path is to accept that though I have come far in my healing, there is no way of know how long the healing path is or how much work there is left to do. I could have years to go, or maybe just months… but the fact is it is a long hard way to travel back to the living from the unliving. In the physical state of the unliving, the deadzone, is probably one of the worst places to be. It is a true and really only state of death.

This is why I state that of these three:

  1. Conditioned fear of punishment or judgment after life
  2. Fear of waking up in a life worse than the one a person has been living
  3. Fear of no longer existing ~ the annihilation of self

Only the third one is the genuine fear of death.

Obviously someone does not have to have been part of a government agency branch structured for combat and killing to have a knowledge of what it feels like to have this living fear of unliving. Anyone can have this understanding who has ever been in a place in life where they were living in some state of dissociation. That is the key to this knowledge, understanding what it feels like to live in a dissociated state rather than a full centered conscious state of being. The longer and more intensely you lived in those states, combined with how long or intensely you have lived in conscious control through a strong center will dictate how deep or profound this fear of death is within the brain.

Beings that we seemed to be hardwired to hold subconscious memories of fear, pain and other sufferings quite well, this fear of death or fear of the annihilation of a perceived self can be very intense and dictate many things in our lives. It can create defenses within our psyche’s that cage parts of us and prevent us from fully opening and full experiencing life through those sacred parts of our total being in this life. That can create beliefs, morals, values and other ideas that limit our ability to fully live. Of course it is important to keep judgment out of the scenario. Instead of trying to judge if this is “good” or “bad” in life, we could be more productive if we simply acknowledge that it is part of some people’s lives and there is no right or wrong, good or bad about it, it just is. What really matters is the answer to your personal question, “Am I satisfied with the quality of my existence right now?” If the answer is no then something needs to change and the only way to change something is to address things through open and genuine awareness. In my personal experiences (the only things I write about), the processes of Eagle Mind can help with this. Many of the energies I use and listed in my PTSD e-book also have and continue to help me a great deal in these ongoing processes. Above all else, a genuine, solid, loving and compassionate support group of family and friends must, and in my case does, set at the top of this list of what helps. Nothing can compare!

So this was just to expand upon that one level of a Handful of Fear since it was something of a major awareness step in my healing path this year. 🙂

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